Just Another Thing the Pandemic Ruined

I found myself grieving this week, though I wasn’t entirely sure why.

Then, I checked the date: September 14th. This was the week I would have flown to London to begin my study abroad program at the University of Oxford.

This probably seems like nothing more than a not-so-subtle flex (and let’s be real, there is definitely a bit of a flex going on here), but it has been difficult for me to wrestle with the fact that I lost this opportunity because of a pandemic. It’s a bit hard to process. It would have been my first time out of the country, my first time on a plane, and my first time doing probably hundreds of other things.

I know I don’t have the right to claim that the pandemic has destroyed my life. I’m healthy, my loved ones are healthy, and I would most likely easily survive COVID-19 if I were to contract it. I’m not selfish enough to think that this is more than a lost opportunity and an inconvenience, and everyone has experienced several of those during these past few months.

If we’re being honest, I never thought I was going to make it to Oxford, anyway. First, I didn’t think I was going to get accepted. But when I got that email, subject line “Congratulations,” I had to start actually considering what this fall would look like for me (y’know, before the pandemic rolled in). Then, I dismissed it again, remembering the hefty program fee that I would pay on top of normal tuition and the cost of plane tickets. There was no way I would be able to afford it. The day after I got the email that all study abroad programs for the fall had been canceled, I sat down and did the math. I was working around 60 hours a week, making as much overtime as I could, and I couldn’t help but try and satisfy my morbid curiosity.

Turns out, I would have been able to afford it. Imagine that.

I’ve been spending this week drinking a lot of London fogs, dressing the way I imagine I would have dressed at Oxford, and eating lots of Brie (not that Brie has anything to do with Oxford — I just think it’s yummy, and it makes me feel fancy). I didn’t think it was possible to miss an experience you’ve never had, but I don’t know how else to describe this.

This is a whole lot of words to sum up one point: not being able to go to Oxford has been a difficult thing for me to deal with. But I’m surrounded by some of my favorite people, and still learning, especially that grieving and being content can easily co-exist.