Economics & Insecurity

I wanted to write something profound and beautiful about the train wreck that was this week.

I don’t think I can.

If we look at the past few weeks of my life from an economic standpoint, then I am currently in what is called an “upturn.”

However, if you travel backwards a few days, that period of my life would be called a “trough” or a “recession.”

Basically, it sucked. On top of that, I had an exam in my economics class, so I can only think in terms of macroeconomics. I would apologize for that, but…whatever.

Anyway, recessions are typically caused by the people’s fear of a recession. People start saving their money in order to prepare for one, and by withholding that money instead of spending it, they deprive the economy of the money it needs in order to continue thriving.

Things had been going well for me. My classes were interesting, I spent quality time with my friends, and I enjoyed the reading for honors. The most frustrating part of this whole ordeal is that none of that changed. Everything was fine, but about two weeks ago, I started to wonder when something bad was going to happen. Everything was too fine.

Everything still is fine, but I am not. A sneaker wave of self-doubt soaked my soul, tainting every interaction I had with friends, family, and faculty. I continued to do the same things — hanging out with my friends, reading, etc. — but I kept choking on salt water and insecurity. Why didn’t I feel like myself? Why couldn’t I feel loved?

I don’t have an answer. I don’t even know if I have a solution. I think that the first step is to stop trying to wrestle the tidal wave by myself. There is no way for one person to fight an ocean — you have to give it to the One that calms the waters. The economic graph of recessions and upturns looks like ocean waves, afterall.